internet jokes-fine collections

As Twain DIDN'T say: "liars, outliers, and out-and-out liars"! (Nor did Disraeli...)
*Thanks to Robert Dawson for submitting this twist on an old standard.

A Bayesian and a Frequentist were to be executed. The judge asked them what were their last wishes. The Bayesian replied that he would like to give the Frequentist one more lecture. The judge granted the Bayesian's wish and then turned to the Frequentist for his last wish. The Frequentist quickly responded that he wished to hear the lecture again and again and again and again........
*Thanks to Xiao-Li Meng for this subtle humor.

What do statistics professors get when they drink too much?
Kurtosis of the Liver!
*This one has been floating in my files unnoticed for sometime. A belated thank you goes out to David Coursey.

Anyone who can not cope with mathematics (statistics) is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.
*This is a quote by Robert Heinlein with the parenthetical expression added by me. The question is how do these subhumans view mathematicians and statisticians?
"When she told me I was average, she was just being mean".

* A big thanks for this quickee to Mike Beckman who is working on his Ph.D at Virginia Tech. Just wondered Mike if one of your professors told you this?
Old statisticians never die they just become nonsignificant.

*This is my own quote. My students tell me I am only significant at the .10 level so how am I to interpret this?
What's the question the Cauchy distribution hates the most?Got a moment?
*This is only funny if you are steeped in mathematical statistics. Thanks go out to S. Gomatam for contributing this odd one.

How many statisticians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We really don't know yet. Our entire sample was skewed to the left!
*This is my own little gem. I hope this one doesn't go RIGHT by you.

Did you know that if you torture the data long enough, that eventually it will confess?
*Does this include using the Chinese water torture? Thanks Cliff Lee from Caterpillar for passing this one my way.

If the 2 nd momemt about the mean is the variance, the 3 rd moment is skewness, and the 4 th moment is kurtosis, what is the k th moment?
That's easy.... the k th moment is a KODAK MOMENT!!!
*I better pause a MOMENT and duck before I tell you this one is mine.

What's the difference between a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician?
The physicist calculates until he gets a correct result and concludes that he has proven a fact.
The mathematician calculates until he gets a wrong result and concludes that he has proven the contrary of a fact.

The statistician calculates until he gets a correct result about an obviously wrong proposition and concludes NOTHING, because the explanation is the task of the scientist who consulted the statistician.

*Thanks to Robert Hacker from Austria for this one. I hope I have not done damage to the underlying humor in the translation.

A friend was bragging to a statistician over coffee one afternoon how two-day volatility in the stock market had treated his holdings rather kindly. He chortled, "Yeah... yesterday I gained 60% but today I lost 40% for a net gain of 20%."

The statistician sat in horrified silence. He finally mustered the courage and said, "My good friend I'm sorry to inform you but you had a net loss of 4%!!!"

* My little tale above illustrates how pervasive innumeracy is in our society. Always remember, "Percent of What?"
I'm not an outlier; I just haven't found my distribution yet!

*Thanks to Ronan Conroy in Dublin, Ireland for this real cute one. I have also been searching for my distribution throughout my entire career.
What do you get when you trade your Rolls Royce for a Chevrolet owned by Julia Childs?
You get CHEVYCHEF'S INEQUALITY!!!

*This may be my worst one so far. Please hold the tomatoes!
A mathematician, applied mathematician and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview they are asked the question, what is 1+1. The mathematician replies, "I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique." The applied mathematician after some thought replies, "the answer is approximately 1.99 with an error in the region of 0.01." The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually in desparation returns and inquires, "so what do you want it to be?"

*A big thank you goes out to Mike Greyling of the University of Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa for this revealing joke.
Why is a physician held in much higher esteem than a statistician?
A physician makes